Facing My Mortality

This recent post http://findingstrengthtostandagain.wordpress.com/2011/09/01/the-evolution-of-normal/
on Finding Stength to Stand Again was most timely for me. I have had a bumpy six weeks. During this time, I have had to face my own mortality. I don’t mean physical death. I know that until Christ returns, everyone must die physically. I saw my father and mother die. I am not looking forward to death, but I am not afraid of death. Since a decision I made as a child, I know where I will spend eternity.
On a two-week trip to visit the kids and grandkids at the end of July, I developed pneumonia and spent four days in a hospital. Because of the cough associated with the pneumonia I had to sleep sitting up in a chair for five weeks. Last week I was finally able to email the grandkids that Pop Pop was now able to sleep in a ‘big boy bed’ After returning home I spent nine hours one day in tests and interviews with a new doctor. At the conclusion of the day, the new doctor told us that it appears that my brain has been “permanently” damaged by the turmor, surgery and seizures. THe doctor was particularly drawn to my description of how I thought after the tbi’s as opposed to prior to them. Prior to the tbi’s I would immediately concentrate on a sequential, systemic or deductive analysis of a situation. After the tbi’s I found myself thinking metaphorically or drawing word pictures of the situation. The doctor told me that I should not expect to be able to think analytically, sequentially or deductively at the same level that I did before the tbi’s. This hit me hard. I know our bodies decay and deteriorate, but my mind was my life for 40 years in the academy.I found it curious to realize that 5 years ago, I was more accepting of the word that my knees were shot and that I would never run and jump like I did playing basketball 5 to 10 hours a week for for 50 years.
Instead of having a giant pity party for my loss, following the exxample of Finding Strength to Stand Again, I looked for alternative approaches. I went out and found that I could use a stationary recumbent bicycle without pain in my knees. I threw myself at that outlet and in three months racked up over 2,000 miles without physically moving one inch.
With this new loss, the doctor tried to be helpful by suggesting that since he and others thought that I could still tell stories well that I concentrate on story telling rather than trying to produce academic documents that weren’t up to the standards requried in the academy. I am still trying to wrap my arms around this. All of my plans for making a difference in higher education seem to be thwarted. If I can’t communicate with the academy in the language it uses how can I expect to make a difference. I will just write my stories and see what happens.