In a previous post I suggested that the relationship between a patient and caregiver must be a pas a deux, a dance for two. If any dance for two is going to work, the pair must move and work together, even though each individual has his or her own responsibilities. In a pas a deux one individual must follow the lead of the other, generally in the relationship between the patient and caregiver, the caregiver will provide leadership.The patient must have confidence in and respect the leadership provided by the caregiver. However, the caregiver must read carefully the signs from the patient and have the courage to make any adjustments must be made. The patient needs to be aware of where the pair is going and what they are doing. If the patient detects deviations from the destination or the route, the patient must be ready to communicate this with the caregiver. If this pair is to work well together, they will find that it is necessary to practice. A good pas a deux is not a once and done event.
Routines, routines, routines and support for both. I recently read an article about the level of depression that haunts caregivers. I suppose this is true since the interest of the supporting community -whether it be doctors, church friends, well meaning neighbors- usually focuses attention on the patient. We rarely check on the needs of a caregiver.
It is a dance for two. Yet, just as it takes a village to raise a child I also think it takes a strong community to help support the caregiver. Rarely is this role predicted. Even less often can it be truly understood until one is submersed into it. You are correct; you must dance the delicate dance between your lives. As a community though we need to make sure the needs of both are recognized and met.
As you know this dance is often difficult to make smooth. It is even more difficult to sustain long-term without complications. Communication is a key to easier living. You have identified this correctly. I hope that you and your loving wife have recognized the needs in each other as you achieve ever-improving communication. You are on a difficult path. As your dance because more fluid, you will continue to create an even stronger relationship.
Thank you. I too have seen the article about the depression that haunts caregivers, although I can’t put my finger on it right now. It is one of those things that I know exists but I just can’t find. I love your picture of the community needing to support the caregiver.
I don’t know where I would be without the loving, unselfish support of my wife and caregiver. Is the use of “lovng” and “unselfish” redundant? To love someone means putting their needs ahead of your own needs. Although my wife is always there to take care of whatever I need without one word of complaint, I still see the strain that it has put on her. I have told her that I love her and I wish I was putting her through all these troubles. Her response is always the same, “i know you would do the same for me.” In my heart I agree with her but sometimes my head hesitates and says,”I don’t know whether I would have the strength to do so.”
I am so thankful for our neighbors and church family that have stepped in and try to see to the needs of my wife. They have been amazing.