By's Musings

Aphasia

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Decisions, decisions, decisions! Three paths, which one should I take?

from Presenter Media

Have you ever begun a journey with one destination and itinerary in mind, but in the midst of your travels, you hit some minor snags or a major detour and have to change your itinerary? Since it happens to me so frequently with my writing, I have discovered at least three solutions to this particular problem. The first one is to stop writing entirely. This approach removes any possibility of getting lost in my thoughts. However, I find this approach totally unacceptable since it also completely eliminates the possibility of discovering something new and exciting. This seems to me to be close to the approach that the third servant takes in Christ’s parable comparing the kingdom of heaven and the actions of three servants when their master is out of sight:

For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey… But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money…Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed:  And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.  (Matthew 15: 14-30, KJV)

from Presenter Media

Writing is really the one way that I have left to express myself and make a difference in this world. In spite of my health battles the past seven years, I still have a dream. Higher education can be a vibrant force to change the world in which we live. I would still like to be part of those activities. I see so many errors being made in higher education. I see mistakes of commission and omission. I see negligence, ignorance and willful malpractice.  I want to help solve the many problems that are so prevalent. However, the once normal process of engaging in live, extemporaneous debates is no longer an option for me. When I am trying to speak, words are only coming hesitantly. My verbal aphasia is stubbornly hanging on. When I share this with people, they express surprise. They say that they would have never known it from our conversation. What they don’t know is that I am putting on act. When I am preparing to talk to someone, particularly if the particular conversation has been arranged sufficiently ahead of time, I try to think of what questions I might be asked, and I go over answers in my head. I rehearse those answers several times before the actual conversation. When the conversation occurs, I play my role to the best of my ability. I am reminded of Macbeth’s soliloquy from Act 5, Scene 5, just after Macbeth is told of Lady Macbeth’s death and the advance of Macolm and McDuff toward Dusinane:

19    Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
20    Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
21    To the last syllable of recorded time,
22    And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
23    The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
24    Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
25    That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
26    And then is heard no more: it is a tale
27    Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
28    Signifying nothing.

My ability to analyze situations is still intact, but quite a bit slower than previously. I need time to think things through. My memory for some things is still exceptional. I can pull events and articles out of my memory bank if I am given the time to think about them. Remembering to turn off the light when I leave a room is completely lost on me.  Thus, I must give the option of surrendering writing an absolute “thumbs down.”

from Presenter Media

The second answer for my writing is to finish a topic completely before publishing blog posts on the subject. This response has some merit. However, it requires a great deal more patience than I usually have. Waiting doesn’t always have to do with patience. Inaction can be caused by fear of rejection or ridicule, the fear of being wrong and the desire for perfection (sometimes known as paralysis by analysis), too much concern for the final destination and not enough for the journey,  The famous poem, Katrina’s Sundial (aka “Time is”)  by Henry Van Dyke speaks to some of the causes and results of inaction. 

Time is
Too slow for those who Wait,
Too swift for those who Fear,
Too long for those who Grieve
Too short for those who Rejoice,
But for those who Love,
Time is not

from Presenter Media

When I find myself caught up in the enthusiasm of a topic, I want to get a post out there for reaction from others. This is my academic training kicking into place. In the world of the academy it is common place to put your thoughts out into the market place of ideas for critique. “I question that conclusion!” may be considered the unofficial mantra of the academy,  A debate is the formal presentation of an argument in a disciplined manner. Modern debates are the descendants of the dialogues of ancient times. The oldest dialogues in scriptures are probably those recorded in the book of Job. They begin in the very first chapter:

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them.  And the Lord said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the Lord, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.  And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?  Then Satan answered the Lord, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought?  Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the Lord. (Job 1:6-12, JKV)

With God’s permission, Satan went out and wiped out Job’s children and all his wealth. What was Job’s reaction?

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly (Job 1:20-22, KJV)

God won the first round. Satan didn’t give up. In Chapter 2, Satan challenges God by suggesting that if Job’s health were taken away, then he would turn on God. God said, “Okay, Satan, try it, You can do anything, short of taking his life.” Satan took the challenge and hit Job with everything, short of death itself. What was Job’s response?

So went Satan forth from the presence of the Lord, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown. And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes. Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God, and die.  But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips. (Job 2: 7-10, KJV)

God won round two. However, the dialogues are not done. In Chapter 2, we are introduced to three of Job’s friends:

Painting of Job and his three friends by Tissot; courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great. (Job 2: 11-13, KJV)

These were good intentioned friends. They saw Job was really hurting and they wanted to help him. Probably the best thing they did was keep quiet for seven days, because when they opened their mouths, they proceeded to stick their feet in them. After a week of silence, Job finally speaks in an eloquent soliloquy in Chapter 3. In Chapters 4-31 we have three rounds of heated debates/dialogues between Job and his “friends.”  When it becomes clear that there has been no winner in these debates, Elihu, a young servant speaks up and takes all four of the combatants to task in Chapters 32-37. Finally, God speaks directly to Job in Chapters 38-42. When Job admits that he has been wrong and that God has been right all along. God rebukes Job’s three friends and blesses Job.

One of the primary intentions of a debate is to hone one’s own arguments in order to convince your opponent and any observers. In the course of a debate, one has the privilege of pointing out the weaknesses in your opponent’s position, while strengthening and fortifying your own position. The idea of two people knocking off each other’s rough edges is definitely encouraged by Solomon when he writes:”Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” (Proverbs 27:17, KJV) However, as we have seen in the story of Job, when humans argue or dialogue, both parties can be wrong.

from Presenter Media

Two approaches down and one to go! Thus, we are left with the third solution, which is to publish posts as soon as they come to me and I finish writing that post. This approach reminds me of the days when my wife and I would take a Saturday drive looking for antique shops which we had never previously visited. We usually had a good idea of where we were going. However, often we would see signs for shops that were not on our original radar screen, and we would turn down a different road to see what that road had to offer us. If I follow this modus operandi in terms of my writing, I will occasionally have to explain to my readers what I am doing and why I am not following my announced itinerary. In military terms, I will have to retreat, regroup, form a new plan of attack and forge ahead. If you haven’t guessed it already, for this particular series of posts, I am proceeding on Path 3.

To stay in touch with what I am thinking and writing, I invite my readers to subscribe to this blog by supplying a working email address in the box in the right margin. You can also follow me on Twitter. @ByBaylis is my Twitter handle. SInce I made such a fuss about dialogue in this post, please engage with me. If something strikes you as way out of bounds, let me know and include an explanation so that we can debate it. If you like something, please let me know that also. Affirmation feels good. However, be warned. It might encourage me to write more. Please stay tuned. I don’t know what’s coming next out of my computer. I won’t know until I wake up tomorrow morning and start writing again.

 

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Update on My Health

Friends, it’s been three months since my last post. It’s been a much longer absence than I intended. Three months may actually be the longest dry spell of writing in my entire career, not just my time as a blogger. I can’t ever remember any three month interval in which I did no serious or significant writing. It has been like I am in a boat, stuck in the middle of a lake, and I lost the winds in my sails. However, it is not as if I had run out of ideas on which to write. During those three months, I accumulated a list of more than 200 potential ideas for posts. However, during this period, whenever I sat down at my computer to write, something would happen and I could never finish my thoughts. Sometimes as I started to write, I couldn’t decide on the approach I needed to take to bring out the important aspects of the subject at hand. At other times, I would get into a topic and I found it had a mind of its own. It started going in a direction I didn’t want to go and I had to shut it down.

I finally decided to step up to the plate and follow the advice that, for years, I gave to scores of institutions that were struggling in the beginning stages of assessment programs. I would tell institutions to just pick an area and an approach, and then attack it. I would also suggest that after that first task was finished, the institution should celebrate its victory. The institution should then pick another topic, and go after it.  You make progress one topic at a time.

The first topic on which I have decided to write is an update on my health. I offer this posting, not as an excuse for the recent scarcity of posts, but as a partial explanation of my pain. It is also a request for your prayers and thoughts. The past five years have clearly taught me that God is a God of miracles, and not a God of my convenience. If not for the grace of God, I would not be writing anything. I have had six doctors in six different specialties tell me that there are no scientific or medical reasons to explain why I am still walking and talking, or even breathing.

After a life of excellent health, the past five years have been a long, trying journey. During this period, I have picked up a long list of problems which began with the rescission of a benign meningioma. This list of current conditions includes a mild case of aphasia, epilepsy,  abnormal involuntary movement (tremors), disturbed sensory perception (dysesthesia), organic hallucinosis (sensory hallucinations), fatigue, attention or concentration deficit, and mental status changes. These are complicated by another somewhat smaller list of conditions that I have picked up over the past ten years, independent of the brain tumor. This list includes atrial fibrillation and obstructive sleep apnea. Taken collectively these conditions have complicated my life and forced me to retire from full-time work within the academic world.

This fall as I strove to get my proposed coaching/consulting business, Higher Ed By Baylis LLC, and this blog, By’s Musings, off the ground, I have encountered some additional complications. Since the onset of my epilepsy four years ago, my seizures have been controlled by medication. However, earlier this fall I became concerned as I experienced several incidents of sensory overload, brought about by loud noise, quickly changing lights and my cross sensory perceptions. The confluence of these sensory experiences seemed to take me to the precipice of seizures. I developed intense headaches, became nauseated and momentarily lost track of where I was.

The intensity and frequency of headaches increased throughout the early fall until they reached their peak in mid-October. Thus, for the past eight weeks, I have experienced continuous headaches. The only things that change are intensity and location. I wake up with them in the morning. They wax and wane between “four” and “eight” on the normal ten-point pain scale. The headache moves around my head, fading out in one location, as it fades in at another location. As I wrote this paragraph, I found myself engaged in a metaphysical and grammatical argument: Am I experiencing one headache and I should use singular nouns and verbs; or is it many different headaches and I should use plural forms?

In an attempt to find answers, my neurologist ordered a DAT scan to determine if the tremors were related to the possible onset of Parkinson’s disease, and an MRI to determine if there have been any changes within my head. The DAT scan was negative. The good news from that report is that the tremors are not related to Parkinson’s disease. The bad news is the test doesn’t tell them what is causing the tremors. The results of the MRI were a little less positive. There is still a hole in my head where the tumor had been. There is still scar tissue approximately the size of a dime on my right frontal lobe where the tumor had been attached. Unfortunately, the new MRI showed some swelling in the surrounding area, along with a very small new growth within the hole. My neurosurgeon says that the growth and swelling are not extensive enough to be causing my headaches and other problems. However, any abnormalities in the brain area must be watched. Thus, I will have another MRI in three months. Depending upon the results of that MRI, it could be followed possibly by additional MRI in another three months to monitor the growth and swelling.

I know that God can heal me and I pray that He will do so. However, if God decides to do something else, I pray that I will be able to stand with Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, and Job and say, ” My God is able to deliver me from these medical problems. If he does, the glory goes to Him. However, if He doesn’t, I will still serve Him. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Please pray this prayer with me.

16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. 17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. 18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up. (Daniel 3:16-18, KJV)

20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. (Job 1:20,21, KJV)

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Which Came First: Visual Thinking or Aphasia?

Does the old conundrum (“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”) really have an answer? One can argue sequentially that to have an egg there must first be a chicken to lay the egg. However, from where did that chicken come? All of today’s chickens come from eggs that were laid by other chickens. The most recent announcement (October 2009) from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration claims that no chickens have been cloned. Thus, we can still ask, “Which came first, chicken or egg?”

I’m asking this question because I have noticed that there is a one-to-one correspondence between my struggles with words and my thinking in terms of pictures. On the other hand, when I am operating in a verbal thinking mode, I have much more facility with and memory of words.

In my sequential thinking mode, I find myself asking the question,”Which comes first: visual thinking or aphasia?” In this sequential thinking mode, I am really asking the question: “Does one condition cause the other?” In my visual thinking mode, I am trying to construct a story board. So which picture panel do I include first in my story?

I realize that my case is very unusual. My brain tumor was in the meninges in the right frontal lobe area. The small hole in my brain and the scar tissue caused by the removal of the benign tumor are in that right frontal lobe area. Although it is known as the executive brain, it is not the normal area associated with language.

Immediately after my surgery I noticed a decreased facility with words. I generally understood what people were saying. Almost all of the time, I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the right words to use. This deficiency was much more pronounced in oral exchanges. When I was writing, I had more time to come up with the right word.

When I would mention the battle that was going on in my mind, many people would remark that they could not see that difficulty in my responses. However, I knew it was there. I also knew that I was answering questions by using a preconstructed story board and a previously prepared script. Ad lib responses were slow and not always on point.

For six months following the surgery, I went through extensive speech therapy for the aphasia. Month by month, I noticed slight but continual improvement until I finally reached the point that therapist’s evaluations showed that I was in the above normal range for my age group. This meant that the insurance company would no longer pay for therapy.

However, three months after the speech therapy stopped, I had a serious setback. I experienced four tonic-clonic seizures within a 30-minute time span. I lost consciousness the moment of the first seizure, and I did not wake up until four days later in the hospital. When I did regain consciousness, I immediately knew several things were different. I had lost many of the gains in the use of words that I had achieved through the speech therapy. I also realized that I was vacillating between two modes of thinking. The first mode was a verbal, analytic, quantitative, sequential mode, which had been my normal mode prior to the surgery. The second mode was a visual, metaphoric mode which was brand new to me.

It was immediately back to speech therapy. This time my progress was spotty. Some days were much better than others. It all depended upon which thinking mode I found myself in. When I was in the verbal mode, my performance on the therapist’s assessments was good enough, so that five months after the seizures my insurance company again said that therapy was no longer necessary.

Shortly after the therapy stopped for this second time, the tremors and hallucinations started. One year after the first tremors and hallucinations, the dysesthesia started. I realize that my aphasia is far from the usual forms of aphasia. For more than one year, I have been battling the aphasia, tremors, hallucinations, dysesthesia, and visual thinking. These conditions are not universally present. However, when they are present, I have noticed that verbal, analytic, quantitative, and sequential thinking is much more difficult. Complicating things is that the tremors occur almost at random. They are not associated with either thinking mode, or the aphasia, hallucinations or dysesthesia.

Again, the question: “Which came first: visual thinking or aphasia, hallucinations and dysesthesia?” However, in reverting to analytic thinking for a moment, are these factors occurring simultaneously because there is a third factor that is causing these two observable factors?

In the meantime, I know that if I am fighting hallucinations and dysesthesia, the visual thinking is not too far behind, and vice verse. Although I know that I can write in either mode, verbal or visual thinking, it is easier when I’m in verbal mode. Sometimes I can’t wait for the verbal mode to show up, so I plow ahead writing in the visual mode.

 

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Living in the World of Visual Thinking

I can’t believe tha it’s been almost two years since I published the post Living in a Metaphoric World and Trying to Communicate with the Academy.  Although many things have changed, many have remained the same. In October 2011, I was living almost exclusively in a metaphoric and visual thought pattern world. Over the two intervening years, I have worked very hard to regain some of my life in the verbal, analytic, quantitative, and sequential thought world. Today in August 2013, the best I can say is that “Some days are better than others.”  This, of course, drove me to the U2 song, Some Days Are Better Than Others, particularly the verse

Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others.

When faced with any question, situation, or problem, my thinking still immediately goes to a picture or a scene. Prior to my TBIs, I would have attempted to formulate a verbal description, before piecing together a verbal, analytic, quantitative, sequential explanation or solution. Today, I begin with a picture around which I build a scene. I will then put together a storyboard, and eventually a script. It is as if I am scripting and directing a movie.

Some of my movie productions are visual travelogues, focusing on the scenery. Other productions are closer to documentaries, where I attempt to present a verbal description of what I see. In these I attempt to translate the pictures into words.  However, to use words, you have to have a ready supply of words. Here is where I experience the down side of aphasia. Sometimes I must struggle to find the best word. I know what I want to say because I see the pictures. Nevertheless, the right words don’t leap out at me as they used to do. It takes me back to one of my first posts, Words Are More Like Cats Than Dogs.

One criticism of living in a movie, is that one is always living in a fantasy, a make-believe world. It is not real. Having lived in this fantasy land now for more than two years, I would counter that living in a world of words, analysis, numbers and sequence, is not living in the real world either. The words, analysis, numbers and sequences are only representations of the real world. If analogies congeal into dogmas, metaphors and pictures are easily mistaken for reality. C.S. Lewis said that the danger of using a metaphor is not that it may be wrong, but that people forget it is an analogy and not necessarily reality.

Which is the better description of reality? Having been a resident of both worlds, my answer would have to be, “It depends!” James Geary, New York Times Bestselling author of “I is an Other: The Secret Life of Metaphor and How it Shapes the Way We See the World” gives us an answer. The answer is that it depends upon the audience. In his book Geary introduces us to the concept of expectancy bias. Individuals bring their own biases to bear upon any communication. Those differing expectations will cause individuals to create their own interpretations of your story. However, you can help lead individuals in particular directions by the  words, analyses, numbers, sequences, pictures, and metaphors that you select.

What’s left to say? Quiet on the set! ACTION!

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An Unexpected Joy

One of my favorite bloggers, Tara Fall, in a recent series of posts on her blog “Finding Strength To Stand Again” raised the topic of resiliency. She did it with the seemingly benign question of whether there is something in some people that makes them more resilient than others.

One of the unexpected joys that I have experienced with my aphasia is the excitement of discovering new words or rediscovering lost words. When I read Tara’s post “Question and Answer Week 2-b,”  the word resilient just jumped off the screen at me. My immediate reaction was I know that word from my recent battles with epilepsy, hallucinations, dysenesthesia, and aphasia. However, I also had a feeling that I was missing something. My academic background kicked in and I started researching the concept of resiliency.

Very quickly, I realized what had bothered me with the word “resilient.” A number of different definitions are in common use. I found this somewhat ironic in that the same day I read Tara’s post, I became part of a discussion thread that involved academics and professional people from all over the world. The thread began with the question, “What is a professor?”

Immediately people jumped into the discussion arguing about whether the word represented a title or a job position. In the course of the thread, as happens so often in academic discussions, some one raised the question about the difference between colleges and universities. At this point a contributor suggested that what we needed were certain words with “reserved definitions” so that confusions like this would be avoided. My reaction was, “That would be nice, but it isn’t going to happen.”

Returning to the word resilient, the first use that came to my mind was the ability to take a blow or weather the storm and bounce right back up. The victim comes back stronger than before. We see it in television commercials and news reports all the time. We are reminded of the 9/11 tragedy and the rebuilding of the World Trade Center. Immediately after the Boston Marathon Bombing, news reports, especially sports reports, highlighted the idea of being Boston-strong. Every evening, we are reminded that the New Jersey shore is open again for tourists, because “we’re stronger than the storm.” We’ve seen the same sentiment in New Orleans and Oklahoma.

What were the other definitions and questions that were running around in my head? The first involved the research that I had done about the idea of neuro-plasticity in relation to my situation. In my readings I found a number of scientists who said that my condition “was what it was, and I should learn to live with it.” Other scientists said that it was possible for people to change their brains to relearn skills or learn new skills to replace the ones that were lost. In a sense, this was a type of recovery. However, the scientist took great pains to emphasize that it wasn’t the former individual. In a real sense, it was a new individual. This is a slightly different view of resiliency. It still holds some hope for victims that they can become new individuals with new skills that in some sense may replace the ones that they lost. However, they will not be their “old selves.”  They will be someone different with different strengths and skills.

Many of the neuroscientists  I read concerning brain plasticity, referenced a new growing science of resiliency. As I researched this, I found it has quite a following among environmentalists, entomologists, and medical researchers studying bacteria and viruses. For these scientists, the primary idea is that one species or environmental state changes or evolves in ways that ensure the survival of the species or environmental state. Resiliency refers to the survival of the whole, not the survival or well-being of the individual. I am still trying to figure out what this has to do with neuro-plasticity.

More research on resiliency lead me to a fourth definition. This definition came from the popular psychologists associated with Psychology Today. In a series of posts they suggested that pyschology has identified factors that make some people resilient, while others wilt under pressure. The resilience factors were an optimistic outlook on life. These individuals are almost always positive. They have the power to regulate their emotions. This struck me hard. Prior to my TBI, I was always known as being even keeled, with my emotion under control. After the TBI with damage to my right temporal lobe, I have much more trouble controlling my emotions. I erupt much more easily. The third attribute of resilient people was that they could accept criticism  well, and could see failure as a form of helpful feedback. When Edison was asked if he was discouraged when experiment after experiment failed when he was trying to invent the light bulb, his answer could have been the battle cry of the resilient ones: “Of course not. I now know a thousand things that won’t work. I will soon find the one that works.”

But I wasn’t done with resiliency. Some lines from a hymn kept playing in my head. As usual, I had only part of the words, so I had to do a search to find the hymn. The words that were echoing in my head were, “When sea billows roll.,” I was more than slightly embarrassed when I discovered it was one of the most popular hymns of all of Christianity, “It Is Well with My Soul.”  

The words of the first stanza are

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to know [say], It is well; it is well with my soul.

The story behind this hymn involves a tragic sea accident. The words were written by Horatio Spafford just after he got a telegram from his wife informing him that only she was safe. She had to tell him that all four of his children were killed when the ship on which they were traveling to Europe sank. Spafford was a modern day Job. Almost everything he loved was taken from him. His response was “Praise be to God.”

I don’t believe that it is inherent to us. It is a gift of a loving father to his children. If we accept God’s grace, we like Job can say,

…, ‘Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.’ (Job 1:21 KJV)

This final type of resiliency is a resiliency built upon faith in a power outside of ourselves. I have seen it my life. I can truly say, “We serve a God of miracles, not a God dedicated to our convenience.” We should reply with our tears, like the father asking Jesus to heal his sick child. When asked if he believed,  the father replied,

Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. (Mark 9:24b KJV)

“Lord, give me your resiliency. Help me in my unbelief.”

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Bloodhounds and Aphasia

As some of you know, a little over three years ago, I experienced a stroke-like event. It was due to a hemorrhage in a meningioma attached to the right frontal lobe of my brain. Although this event wasn’t technically a stroke, it gave all the appearances of a stroke. It also left with me with many of the after effects of a stroke. I am constantly fatigued. I have balance issues, muscle weakness primarily on my left side, short-term memory lapses and a mild case of aphasia.

Aphasia is an acquired communication disorder that exhibits itself through the partial or total inability to process language. My mild case of aphasia affects me primarily in two ways. The first way is in the speed at which I can process language. My language processing speed has slowed down considerably. Thus, I have more problems with verbal communications. Written communications give me more time to process the language. The second problem I have is the occasional inability to find the most appropriate word to fit the situation. As suggested above, the pressure of a quick response demanded in a verbal communication seems to acerbate the problem of lost words.

What do bloodhounds have to do with aphasia? Bloodhounds are gentle, loyal, good companions. They are also hard working and persistent. They don’t quit until their job is done. What is their job? It is to find someone or something that is lost. Bloodhounds are the perfect mascot for the team battling against aphasia. They represent hard work and persistence that a sufferer of aphasia must exhibit in searching for lost words. They represent the loyalty, gentleness, and constant camaraderie of caregivers, not only in the midst of active searches, but at all other times as well. They respond best to an owner or trainer who exhibits calm but stern authority.

Why did I associate bloodhounds with aphasia? Recently I became bogged down in an attempt to write something. The words I needed to completely and accurately reflect my thoughts were lost. This episode reminded me of a neighbor from my early teen years. This particular neighbor raised and trained bloodhounds. He and his dogs were very good at what they did. They were in constant demand by local police to help locate missing people, especially children or dementia patients who had wandered off. At that moment I realized that I needed a good bloodhound to find the right words that were lost in my mind.

As I tried to develop this metaphor, I found that I was playing two different roles in this play on words. At times, I was the handler providing the dog with the initial clues to point the dog in the right direction, or helping the dog by redirecting him to possible new trails. At other times I was the dog rooting through the intertwined brush and rocky crevices and canyons of my mind trying to sniff out the right words.

At the end of every search, the emotions of the two players were mirror images of each other. At the end of a successful search, the trainer would grab the dog around its neck. He would rub the back of its head and neck in celebration. He would say excitedly, “Good dog! Way to go!” It was amazing to watch the joy of the bloodhound, nodding his head up and down in quick jerks, and yipping happily. It seemed as if the dog was saying, “Look at what I just did. I found the lost child or person.”

 On the other hand, when a search was shut down in failure, it was depressing to watch the bloodhound hang its head and howl with a sad cry that expressed the soulful dejection inherent in failure. The trainer would call the dog to him. He would put his arm around the neck of the dog pulling it close to him. He would gently rub the back of the dog’s neck and head and soothingly say, “That’s alright, boy. You’ll get him next time.”

Now, when I face the challenge of finding the right word, I will think of a bloodhound. I hope and trust that there will be more joy than sadness at the end of my searches. To increase that likelihood, I know it will take more practice and training.